I am in exile, and by definition, for ‘punitive reasons’. I have chosen to exile myself from any gathering of more than one person. Since it is impossible to exile myself from humanity, I simply choose to ensure that any interaction I encounter is with only one person. This may sound bizarre at the least and border on insanity at the most, but it is much simpler than that. I am creating a space to work through a lesson that has dogged me for six decades. It’s time and I’m done.
There is a long list of people who do not like me or find me unworthy, and they comprise family members as well as acquaintances.
For the first three decades, half my life, I held the uncompromising belief that they were accurate in their declaration that I was not worthy; time and time again life judged me flawed and they were proven to be correct. Something was inherently ‘wrong’ with me and it began, literally, at my birth when my mother experienced a nervous breakdown. She never recovered and, as my current circumstances indicate, neither have I; at least not fully. Although, now it’s time and I’m done.
I was on the fast track to my self-imposed annihilation when I attended an AA meeting. The woman who accompanied me was the first person, I had ever met, who ‘spoke’ like I ‘thought’. I left the meeting with the declaration that I would only drink on special occasions. Obviously I missed the ‘point’ and another 7 months would pass before I was ready to get honest with myself. By this time, I weighed 100 lbs and my liver was so compromised 6that months passed before the jaundice subsided. Yet, my physical symptoms paled in comparison to my emotional/mental/spiritual symptoms. I was 30 years old, free of mind/mood mood-altering chemicals, and terrified of everything and everyone. Everything I thought, perceived, believed, and felt was grounded in some form of insane distortion of truth or reality. I sincerely believed that I was not worthy of breathing the air that surrounded me. I could not fathom why I was still alive; I certainly did not deserve to be.
Fast-forward three decades and here I am in my self-proclaimed exile. While a part of me can celebrate the vastly beautiful awakening I have undergone, a recent experience places a dark shroud across my mind. Because this experience is nearly identical to one I had almost 3 years ago, I choose to complete this lesson once and for all; it’s time to get to the core and I’m done feeling miserable. Happiness is a choice and I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and choices. Consequently, if I am not experiencing happiness, it is all on me. While there are certain experiences in our outer world that can invoke feelings of happiness, the state of happiness is an inward condition. No one has the power to control our thoughts or feelings. We can give up our power, but we do that at our own peril, and we lose our personal freedom. Is it worth it?
Not for me; not any more.
I want to feel my worthiness. And since everything I see/perceive is merely a reflection of my inner state of being, I want to feel your worthiness.
It is impossible for me to acknowledge my worthiness without acknowledging yours, or to acknowledge yours without acknowledging mine. If I am worthy, then you are worthy. This perspective compels me to move past the physical form where the focus is on behaviors and flaws are magnified. This perspective focuses on the core of our being; the essence of our true Self. As I sit here, in this space of inner peace, I can feel the truth of the words that dance across my consciousness...you are worthy…I am worthy…we are worthy. What I give, I receive.
My self-proclaimed exile can end whenever I choose.
From my heart to yours,
Dayton ~ the holistic wellness coach
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